Aviation Anecdotes [Archive] - Virtual Jeep Club

David C

08-22-2007, 09:47 AM

I found these little stories to be amusing and I know we have a few pilots 'on board' here. I love flying myself, so I thought I would share.:)

By Bob Barnes

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "Broomstick One". And they say the Army has no sense of humor.

There's a story about a military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

more to come...

David C

08-22-2007, 09:49 AM

For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960s and still the fastest airplane on earth. That we know of. I'm sure the government has a few secrets yet!

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots, Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty Five-Two requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty Five-Two." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seat...as at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen Two-Zero, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2,004.658 mph for those who don't know).

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

AZLugz

08-22-2007, 10:08 AM

When I was at Peterson AFB in Colo Spgs, years back, we had a 71 flame out and drop to lower altitude and do a re-light over over Denver, when he popped the throttles again he hit the sound barrier hard and took out windowns in some of the taller buildings. He dropped it down at Pete for repairs. They are a really cool A/C, got to work around them a bit in England

Fire Ball

08-22-2007, 10:51 AM

Southwest was taxiing to the gate and was asked to wait for 2 outbound A/C. He responds he would like to hurry because he needs to use the restroom. Controller says you can just stop there for a few minutes and use the rest room, there is no traffic behind you.

Pilot responds. "No way, I gotta take a dump and I'm not doing it on the airplane"

A Lufthansa Airlines A340 airbus (German Airlines) was taxiing out at LAX. International flights need to have all passengers accounted for.

Pilot comes on with his surly German accent. "This is Lufthansa 254 we must stop our taxi, we seem to have misplaced one of our passengers, our count is wrong"

Unknown voice over radio replies "Did You check the Ovens?"

He was not a happy camper and demanded an apology, he never got one.

Washington_XJ

08-23-2007, 12:17 AM

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots, Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty Five-Two requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty Five-Two." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seat...as at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen Two-Zero, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2,004.658 mph for those who don't know).

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

Haha! That is so much like something that would happen in LA CTR too, they are a bunch of clowns but are nice guys- they really help you out. Great stories everyone, I enjoyed...

Digger

08-23-2007, 12:26 AM

Seems to be many pilots who drive Jeeps for fun. You guys need to think about a Pilot Meet and Greet. :)

amber.hodge

08-23-2007, 07:09 AM

LOL That might be like having a meet and greet at work for half of them :D

Cave Gimp

08-23-2007, 07:40 AM

That M&G would totally confuse them. What would they talk about planes or jeeps? As we know jeepers love to talk jeeps, but not as much as pilot love to talk planes. I think all of them would melt down trying to figure that out. :D

Then enter the engineer who would design the jeep plane. It actually looks pretty good on a bar napkin. :)

GRUNT

08-23-2007, 09:44 AM

Very funny, I am sending these to my father. He was a USMC A-4 pilot back in the day, he also had a Pitts-2a aerobatic plane out at Chandler. Hey had a hanger buddy named Kirby. He was an airline pilot, now I think has does aerobatics and is sponsored by Red-bull. Imagine, having to wake up and say, "Geez, today I got to go do loops, jack-knifes and barrel rolls..." Rough life...

Washington_XJ

08-23-2007, 09:53 AM

Seems to be many pilots who drive Jeeps for fun. You guys need to think about a Pilot Meet and Greet. :)

Actually that might not be such a bad idea, even for lunch. I know of a couple others here that have their licences- I wonder how hard it would be to get a head count?

A long time ago me and my pilot friends made a rule not to talk about flying when outside of work- but it never happens, we always end up talking about it... :)

TRLR8TDTJ

08-23-2007, 10:04 AM

These abe some of my favorites to read.

original ATC quotes list
The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines', dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history, please let me know.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every ****pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Kyle

GRUNT

08-23-2007, 10:15 AM

"Wasn't I married to you once..." THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!!

rsliman

08-23-2007, 10:48 PM

ide be up for a m&g.... i work on fri in cleveland, but have the following 5 days off and will be back in phx. otherwise, ill have to wait until our schedule comes out to know when ill be off. i just bid on monday.... so it may be a few days.

RussChung

08-24-2007, 03:52 AM

Seems to be many pilots who drive Jeeps for fun. You guys need to think about a Pilot Meet and Greet. :)We should meet at an airport restaurant that is near some Jeep trails--such as Deer Valley Food and Catering at KDVT; then we can go wheeling at Table Mesa.

XJ Un-Limited

08-24-2007, 05:43 PM

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in ****pit

(S) Something tightened in ****pit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Moonrocks

08-25-2007, 08:31 AM

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

2. Me? I've never busted minimums.

3. We will be on time, maybe even early.

4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

8. I'm a member of the mile high club.

9. I only need glasses for reading.

10. I broke out right at minimums.

11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.

15. We shipped the part yesterday.

16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

17. All you have to do is follow the book.

18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

24. We'll be home by lunchtime.

25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.

27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

29. I thought YOU took care of that.

30. I've got the field in sight.

31. I've got the traffic in sight.

32. Of course I know where we are.

33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

Washington_XJ

08-25-2007, 10:12 AM