Hmmmm..... what's the rules?

[Joe West]

So... I'm dating the same girl for... let's say... 5 months. Things are going well, but I'm not one to jump into anything. From my perspective... dating at least a year before considering marriage is mandatory, but longer than 2 years without popping the question means there are likely issues.

So... here are the rules I kind of have in my head... I call them the 3-3-6-12-24 rules:

You should know after 3 dates if you want to keep seeing someone.

You should know after 3 months if you want to be in a serious relationship with someone.

You should know after 6 months if the person you are in a serious relationship with is marriage material.

By the time you get to 12 months you better be thinking about proposing.

And finally...

If you ain't popped the question after 24 months, it is time to move on.


Here's what I'd like to know from others:

1. Guys; What are your "dating" rules like?
2. Ladies; What are your "dating" rules like?

I wonder how much divergence there is between question 1 above and question 2 above :)

JW

[amber.hodge]

Joe,
Not in the "scene" anymore, and we are permanently not single....but, we knew in 3 months we wanted to be together forever, at 6 months, he asked my father for my hand in marriage.....at 9 months I got tired of waiting for him to propose, so I popped the question....he said yes....we planned weddings off and on for a year and then finally went to the Justice of the Peace and he got to get married in his flip flops like he always wanted this past January....
But I think I agree with your rules....Except by our 3rd date, he just stopped going home and one day I realized he had moved all of his things into my place!

[NVRSTUKXJ]

my main rule of dating: If she doesn't mind me being married, we date :D

[jeeperapril]

Hey Joe, ok these are my dating rules since you asked and I am boared at work today. (Oh, please no one rat me to my boss:( ) I am sure my rules are a lot different than most peoples, but just for the record:

1. If first date sucks, no second one
2. If things are going well, I date for about 6 months, if at that time we both agree to step up to sharing our lives (meaning live together) than yes, we look for a place.
3. As far a marriage? I will live with that special person for 5 years, if we make it together that long and "he" still wants to get married than we will talk about. But I will never marry anyone that I can not live with for 5 years. I have made it with someone 4 years and 8 months, was even engaged, last 2 months of the 5 years, got fooled around on, he got hooked on drugs, got abusive, and I was gone:)

Reason for my belief, My grand parents raised me till I was 16 years old, they were together for 35 years, till my Grammy died. they loved each other unconditionally and I only heard them fight one time when I lived with them. They were never married. You do not need a piece of paper if you truly want to love, cherish, and share your life with someone.:D Oh yeah, and if I had married the men that I lived with and wanted to get married right away, I would be divorced 3 times now. To much drama for me:D

Happy day to ya, and good luck with your new relationship, just remember honesty and faithfulness to your partner is the main thing to keep a relationship going;)

[AZLugz]

I figure if she can stand to look at me and not laugh, I better marry her, so I did and it has been 15 years this time, I guess the first one got tired of the sight and looked elsewhere!

[Roughian98TJ]

there are no "rules"


you don't want my real opinion on this, but basically save yourself the trouble and dump the #$@&

[offroadaz]

Joe, I ended up doing something pretty simmilar to you. I dated my wife for about a year and half before we got engaged. The way I look at it, the first several months of a relationship is really more infatuation/animal instinct based then actually thinking about spending your life with someone.

I have been told by several people that I respect that it takes at least a year to actually get to know the other person. Within a year you usuall see their ups and downs, the way they deal with stress, being sick, family, holidays and such

If you still love them after all their good and bad then its time to get engaged. And the engagment time isnt just a more serious commitment in the relationship. The way I look at it, I actually commited to spending the my life to my wife when I proposed. Our 6 month engagement was what we used to plan the wedding

[SavageSun4x4]

20 years of being single told me its the rule of 6's:

6 seconds to look at her to decide if I want to talk.
6 minutes of talking to her to decide if I want to ask out.
6 hours worth of date to decide if I need more info.
6 days of talking on the fone, lunch, another date to decide if its worth more.
6 weeks of dating to decide the next step.
6 months to the day and its either pull pitch or stay for ride.
6 years to decide if you really made the correct decision, if not, get the hell out.

I strongly recommend that at each juncture you pause to give it some thought and then make a firm decision.

[amber.hodge]

20 years of being single told me its the rule of 6's:

6 seconds to look at her to decide if I want to talk.
6 minutes of talking to her to decide if I want to ask out.
6 hours worth of date to decide if I need more info.
6 days of talking on the fone, lunch, another date to decide if its worth more.
6 weeks of dating to decide the next step.
6 months to the day and its either pull pitch or stay for ride.
6 years to decide if you really made the correct decision, if not, get the hell out.

I strongly recommend that at each juncture you pause to give it some thought and then make a firm decision.

So you were married six years into dating your wife?

[k7mto]

For us it was a few weeks of chatting before talking on the phone.
Then it was a few months of talking on the phone before deciding to meet each other face to face.
It was another few months before we decided to she'd move to where I lived (Virginia).
A year later we moved back to where she lived (Oregon).
Within a few months I proposed and we were married within the year.

Nine years later we have two beautiful daughters and couldn't be happier.

[Roughian98TJ]

So you were married six years into dating your wife?

when you think about it now a days so many marriages fail marriage is just an extension of dating....the break ups are just a lot messier (trust me I get to deal with a lot of them) :rolleyes:

[SavageSun4x4]

So you were married six years into dating your wife?
To continue: My theory is that after dating 6 months and you honestly give it some thought and you decide to continue, then at that point you could get married. Because if you continue dating, then for all purposes you are married.

All that said and all the rules mentioned I always go back to Shannon and Chuck.

We were all young and living in a swinging singles apt complex in Dallas. Chuck, Buddy and myself we sitting around the pool checking out the babes when here comes a hot little number with a armful of stuff. Turns out she is moving in and into the apt above ours. We all throw in to help her out of course and angle for a date. The first nite she is available is Sunday nite. I am out of town, Buddy has a date and Chuck is available. She works nites at a strip joint just down the road and is a dancer there.

I get back into town and Chuck is not home, but Buddy is. Buddy has not seen Chuck since he left for the date on Sunday and this is Wed. Chuck and Shannon show up Thursday and had run and got married. Chuck and Shannon moved out into a different apt complex, Shannon quit dancing.

I saw Chuck off and on over the years. The last time I bumped into Chuck, he and Shannon had been married 18 years and had 3 kids, both of them fat and happy.

Bottom line is there are no rules and you never know what works and what doesn't. I can say that I followed my rule of "6's" for 20 years and it worked quite well. Mostly keeping me from getting into situations that are difficult to get out of. When you go past 6 months it starts to get difficult to get out.

As a general rule I cut most off somewhere between 6 weeks and 6 months. I did have an agenda. I had got married and wish I hadn't, nasty divorce where she took everything except the starch in my shirts. So I focused on my career, which in my job led to travel. I traveled 52 weeks a year, US, Europe and Asia. Sometimes I would be there for a week, sometimes up to 6 months. And, as the Navy guys say, "any port in a storm".

Fun, you bet! Any regrets? Maybe 1 or 2 girls in 20 years that almost made me stop and smell the roses.:)

I finally got married a few years ago and I will tell you it was NOT an easy transition. But it was worth it;)

[shannonmac]

hmmmmmmm....
been together for 4 years (as of this summer)
sort of dropped hints about getting married
decided a month ago that i actually didn't want to get married (see below)
told him i didn't want to get married anymore
since then i have gotten a car, the house is always clean, and he brings me out to dinner and buys me flowers (odd, but funny, you'd really need to know him)


those are my rules :D

oh and i was serious about the marriage thing, i decided that i didn't want to change my name (lose my identity) and become "the future mrs. flores", nor do i want to plan a wedding, deal with all that crap, decide who's going to be a bridesmaid, have him spend all that money on a ring when we need stuff in the house, the list goes on and on, so therefor whats the point, i have a thing with being independent and having escape plans, although i don't plan on going anywhere and neither does he...whatever it works, plus we own a house together too
(i know, i'm a nut)

[UGROWUP]

My views after my First Marrage went to hell.


Find some worth my time (check that off the lsit)
Date for at least a year
Live together for another year
Decide if Marrage is the right thing for us and go from there.

If in those 2 years you dicide that the two of you make a good match and you can both stand living together and don't have a problem with eachother then marrage is alright.

I should have know my first marrgae would be hell (5 years of it to be excate) when we moved in together after only 3 months. She became extramly lazy, refused to get a job and didn't cook or clean. So there I was, providing for the family, cleaning up after her, and also having to keep her from spending what money I did make. 5 years later and we are getting divorced. She;s a PITA and I'm a cheating prick according to her even though I never so much as looked at another girl while we were together. Just my 2 cents.

[TRobertsRN]

Just so you know I think I have found the right one and we are planning our wedding.

This will be my 3rd marriage and 5th relationship were I lived with a woman.

Rules???

You expect there to be rules for this?

What were you thinking?

We might think there are rules but no, not really.

Change is the only rule in life much less a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

Do not ever be comfortable in that you think you know what the rules are.

HERE IS MY ONE RULE.

Be honest.

Neither of you are mind readers. Never assume you know an opinion. Because you care for someone you oftern assume that you share opinions.

If she or you do or believe something that the other disagrees with you must discuss it. AND I MEAN NOW.

If you air these things now then they can be agreed on or agree to disagree on intstead of mountains to over come.




Some times opinions will change. Such as where to live, car to own and other things. Someone who was independant before can be resistant to change, and then later agree with your idea, or never agree.

So my advice for the only rule is be honest.

One more thing, not really a rule but something to think about.

When considering someone know their relationship with thier family and friends.

Lack of good relationships with family and friends can be a clue.

Everyone has one or some family and former friends they don't care for.

If this is the majority of the past maybe it is the person who is the problem and not the family and friends.

My girl loves her kids, parents, has lots of friends, and has an unkind word for very few.

These relationships and how you treat each other in a crisis are big points on whether to ever get married.

Tom

[azjeepcjman]

finally went to the Justice of the Peace and he got to get married in his flip flops like he always wanted this past January....


Wife and I married about 2 and a half years ago at the Renaissance Festival. It was the year it rained so much. We went in my CJ that was totally muddy from being out gathering wildflowers for the wedding. Wore my sword all day long including during the ceremony, and had Belly Dancers performing for us after the ceremony at the Pleasure Feast.

Not a bad day............:cool:

[My Green Jeep]

Joe,
Not in the "scene" anymore, and we are permanently not single....but, we knew in 3 months we wanted to be together forever, at 6 months, he asked my father for my hand in marriage.....at 9 months I got tired of waiting for him to propose, so I popped the question....he said yes....we planned weddings off and on for a year and then finally went to the Justice of the Peace and he got to get married in his flip flops like he always wanted this past January....
But I think I agree with your rules....Except by our 3rd date, he just stopped going home and one day I realized he had moved all of his things into my place!



See, I am not the only one who popped the question... but Ambers husband was nicer than mine :eek:

Walt and I... it was love at first sight.

We went to the State Fair on October 31, 1982 with my brother, sister, and 2 other friends...Walt was a good friend of my brothers :D

February 21, 1983 I asked Walt to marry me... he said "no". Talk about shocked and hurt. What seemed like eternity but it was only a few seconds he asked me... and I said "yes".

May 14, 1983 we were married...

We have been happily married for 24 years. Our son just turned 21 and our daughter is 17.5 years old... man... :eek: I feel old now... NOT!

We knew from the beginning that we were going to be together...

[TAGIPURIT!!!]

I am never getting married

TAG

[FrenchChili]

17.5? Does that round up to 18?:D

[SHNIPE]

no she specified just to keep the cradle robbers like you away Frenchy!

[My Green Jeep]

17.5? Does that round up to 18?:D


Not just yet... that extra .5 will NOT happen until the middle of November! :eek: :eek: :eek:


no she specified just to keep the cradle robbers like you away Frenchy!


ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Hardline]

Wayne and I lived together 7 years before marriage...I said no twice and then he wore me down....quite the persistent guy. Didn't change names, didn't change the way we handled $$'s - just got the paperwork done, and had a big party with several hundred skydiving friends out at Fountains Hills where we jumped in and then had the ceremony under one of his old canopies - with bagpipes. Death is the only option out of this marriage....which is why all the weaponry is locked up. :D

Just had our 24th anniversary and still like each other. :)

[desertangel]

I personally dont have any rules. Just date someone and see where it goes.

[lancetkenyon]

I haven't been with anyone other than my wife since I was 16. Going on 20 fantastic years now.

[Andrew F]

To stay on topic, I don't have rules because I am only 19 and I have only had one girlfriend and we have been dating 2 years. I started dating her my senior year in high school. I actually "dated" her at the start or my sophomore year also, but like a typical high school relationship, it only lasted 3 or 4 days. Anyways, I don't think rules are a necessity, and for some people it may be a hindrance (like those that only need a few days to be ready for marriage and those that need a few year). I believe that whatever works for you and your situation is what is best (for the most part).

I know I won’t be getting married until I can support myself and my wife, which won’t be until I am out of school or at least close to it.



February 21, 1983 I asked Walt to marry me... he said "no". Talk about shocked and hurt. What seemed like eternity but it was only a few seconds he asked me... and I said "yes".


Now for off topic. My girlfriend asked me what I would say if she proposed to me and I told her I would say no, but then I would ask later (assuming I thought we were ready for it).

[Fire Ball]

My rules are simple.

You need honesty, trust, communication and respect. If one is missing the relationship isn't complete.

I found myself a hot little 15 year old girl. Hung onto her till she was 19 and married her. That was 27 years ago. :) We were both under age at our wedding, but man we got drunk any way :eek:

[Brian Blum]

Any unmarried couples living together should really consider a Cohabitation Agreement. Sorry, I'm a lawyer, I can't help it.

Brian

[Stomper]

Actually if you are living together haven't you allready agreed to cohabitate??

[amber.hodge]

LOL stomper - but what he means is if you have things together unmarried like ben and I did - we both had both of our names on both cars....furniture together, etc....
Some unwed couples actually have homes they own together....an agreement of who gets what or how it is devided after a break up is a good thing.




so Joe, you ask Doc to marry you yet???